Friday, April 26, 2013

Crying until I laugh. Lauging until I cry.

That sums up my week. I think about Kaleb - and I cry until I laugh. I play with Fitz, and I laugh until I cry. Gyp and I mope together when nobody is looking. I'm dealing with a transition I wasn't expecting.

I'm trying.
I'm trying to drag my butt out of bed to workout at 6am, and not just stay curled up in ball. I had one breakdown this morning at the Gym, took a 5 minute break in the bathroom, came back hammered out the last 30 minutes of my workout thinking of how proud I was of Kaleb. I smiled, I persevered. It sounds cheezy, but Kaleb NEVER gave up his will to keep going, never pouted, always wanted more. I'm trying to live up to that. I cried again on the way home. It comes in waves when I least expect it. Then I thought about him grabbing at the giant snooker balls while taking jumps, and going over the teeter, that were on stakes at his first Agility trial, and I laughed again.

I'm trying to change.
When Jane passed, I was truly depressed, I went to bad place. I didn't get out of bed, I curled up in ball, I comforted myself with food and too much wine, it was bad, I even had to see my doctor and a councillor. She was the first "being" I ever lost - I have bad coping skills apparently. We were literally attached at the hip. Caring for her with her illness for 18 months consumed us. 3x day for meds, once a week to the vet for her stomach draining, cooking meals, keeping her happy and spoiled. She outlived every expectation and it was exhausting. And when she was gone, I was lost. And she left the world on her own terms, when she was ready. She kept the light in her eyes, love and will to live until her last breath at home with us.

Kaleb was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago yesterday, and now he is gone. Really gone. Really? I barely had time to digest the fact that he had cancer. But I've been mourning since that day the Vet called. I knew what it meant. I cried everyday, hugged him tight and spoiled the shit out of him for 3 weeks. He was surrounded by his family and friends in the last month of his life. He didn't know he was sick, I didn't tell him. He hadn't even retired, I was planning on running him at Regionals. I couldn't cry in front of him as it would make him so worried - traumatized from the days of me crying over Jane, just a year ago. So I stayed strong for him. He taught me to stay strong, be strong. Be confident. Be my best, so he could be his best. That is my life lesson from him, that's what made us a great team. I fucking miss him. He went from OK - carrying toys, eating, being happy, to not walking, not eating, his neck and face started swelling, his breathing got harder, and not controlling his bladder in one day. His spark in his eyes was fading, he looked at me in a way I'd never seen, he knew it was time, he told us that. He went peacefully - his sweet head resting on my leg. That gives me comfort, we had no choice. He was the toughest fucking god damn dog I've ever met, and to see him weak just was not fair and not how he'd want to be remembered. He was our Iron Dog.

Poor Gyp, she has had to endure me losing my shit twice in a year, but I'm trying to change. She is depressed, but today and a bit yesterday, she is getting better - not sleeping so much and playing with Fitz and me. She looked for K the first 2 nights, slept on his dog bed in our room. It broke my heart. She was VERY jumpy and neurotic about the silliest things, it's getting better. I've been spending time just with her, and telling her how much I love her - she is my therapy dog, my zen dog.

I'm trying to change. I'm trying to laugh.
I'm pretty sure that in 2 weeks Kaleb and Fitz knew eachother, cuddled together - they talked. Fitz is a comedian - well he is JRT, what do you expect. He has a lot to learn, but he was a good apprentice, but thank doG we have this little shit. We had no idea this would happen: 2 days before we get our pup, K is diagnosed. 2 weeks after he joins our family K is gone. The universe did it again. Took something away, and gave me something back I was not expecting. We fought against the idea of a JRT for so long, until the stars aligned and it was meant to be, this pup was absolutely meant to be here, now. We got him as we missed the "terrier-tude", something in our home was missing. We didn't know he was put with us to help us even more than that - dare I say he was heaven sent, if there is such a place.  I don't know what I would do if we didn't have this pup. He is amazing. Gyp certainly wouldn't be dragging my butt out of bed and demanding enormous amounts of attention, making me try, making me make an effort. Making me laugh until I cry (because of puncture marks on my ankles and hands).  She'd be happy to mope around with me, and I'd happily let her. We save those moments for when nobody is looking :)

I have to thank everyone for the messages, emails, cards, flowers, all kind words with fond memories of him making them laugh ... that's who he was.

I keep singing this song to myself ... I'm pretty sure Kaleb sang this to himself everyday. I'm surprised he didn't have a t-shirt. Thanks for teaching me to smile and laugh buddy.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I'm going to try to live by this.


manymuddypaws said...

I'm glad to hear you are doing okay. Kaleb would be happy about that.

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Sam said...

Sending hugs. We are thinking of you.


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Karen said...

Oh Sarah, I feel for you at this time. Stay strong, as Kaleb was. I don't know if you've seen the following words before but they always remind me to remember the good times while I'm grieving.

The Dance

Lookin' back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right
How could I've known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain
But I'd've had to miss the dance.

Holdin' you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say, you know
I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd've had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain
but I'd've had to miss the dance

~~Garth Brooks

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Jenny Glen said...

Before I lost Nessie, I always told her, as she chewed on Chippy, that he wasn't going to miss her when she was gone. I was wrong. Nessie died, Skid came into my life, and 6 months later, when Chip felt he had his replacement trained, he went to join his best friend.
Maybe Kaleb decided you had Fitz and it was time he went to find Jane.

Anonymous said...
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Koping Weims said...

Lovely post...should have known better to read it at work though... your dogs are lucky to have you and they always know they are loved.
I am glad Fitz came into your life when he did...


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